An Inside Look At Me...

So at the risk of sounding insanely taboo, I have decided to start a journal. I think it would be good to get all the ridiculous things out of my head so I can over analyze them and make myself feel like a neurotic maniac. Not that I actually think I am an actual maniac, it’s just that people always think their head is full of strange things – and perhaps proper scrutiny will assist my cause, and I will achieve true inner piece and full self realization. Is that possible??

Mr. K.

The guy… that’s right. Every girl has one in her life… a guy that you are just into. Nothing about it really makes sense. I am not sure how it happens. At first there is the attraction… anyone who knows me can vouch for the fact that I am totally hot for the beautiful type guy. And once I make up my mind that I want one… he might as well be a deer in headlights, because whatever I want, I get!! (Alright – I realize that totally makes me sound like a man-eater, but it isn’t like that) Anyway… I may love him... I just won't let my gaurd down long enough to let him truly into my inner world. Not that he isn't part of my world, because he obviously is... but if I admit that I want him to be my "IT" and he doesn't feel the same way, I have willingly subjected myself to pain... perhaps that is necessary before I can move on, and if he doesn't want to be my "IT" I HAVE TO MOVE ON!!!!!!

Is It a Façade?

I am polished! I sit with my hands placed neatly on my lap and cross my ankles and tuck them appropriately under my chair – ever so slightly off center. I smile and nod, and say the right thing at the right time in an over-produced, over thought out attempt to make people think that I am perfectly put together. Does that make me a phony? True, I do concentrate on portraying the right image, but when faced with the opportunity to act crazy and more my age (24), and Mr. K. thinks I act much too serious. This is probably due to the fact that I was in the middle of my most uninhibited few years of my life when we met. I was young (18) and thought I should find out who I was and what I wanted… and I had a lot of fun. I’m not saying that I was promiscuous or anything… I was just in need of a liberating experience… my parents had really been strict… So anyway… Mr. K. thinks that my seriousness is in some way a detriment to the amount of fun I allow myself to have… now I think I am protecting myself and laying the groundwork for my future… I think that the way I act when I am with him is directly related to the fact that I am getting old… yes OLD… I am not a carefree 18-year old anymore. If I ever want to achieve my goals, I have to take my actions seriously – don’t I??? Wouldn’t it make me seem completely moronic if I continued to make the same mistakes over and over and over……….?? OF COURSE IT WOULD!!! Then again I may just care too much about what Mr. K. thinks… which would explain more than we need to go into today.